President - Charles Barkley
Simple logic dictates this selection. Charles Barkley is known as the "Round Mound of Rebound". Rebounding is often known as "cleaning the glass". The primary component of glass is sand. Our nation is currently involved in troublesome conflict in the Middle East which is basically covered in sand. Therefore, if Barkley is elected President he can "clean the glass" aka Iraq. This pick is so obvious that when Greg Oden goes senile in 8 months even he could understand it.
Vice President - Lee Corso
The Vice President job description consists of two things.
1. Being from a different region of the country than the President
2. Having a pulse
If that's all that it requires then put someone in the office who can at least entertain the country.
The Senate is attempting to pass legislation Charles Barkley is against. Corso goes down and gives a short, impassioned speeched against it simply by stating, "Not so fast my Filthy American-Hating Commie Fascists Racists Child Flesh Feasting Friends". Problem solved.
Chief Justice - Joe Paterno
Justice would be doled out swiftly under the Paterno court and always in time for everyone to get home in time for Matlock. Is abortion constitutional you ask Joe Paterno? Yes, but after each abortion you have to clean up the clinic the next day. Not by yourself of course though. Your ex-baby daddy, your parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, and cousins will also be required to join you because they failed to keep you from getting knocked up in the first place.
Also, everyone in the court room gets some hard candy.
Speaker of the House - Steven A. Smith
What better nickname for a fiery leader of the House of Representatives than "Screaming A". No one would dare question his leadership because no one would dare subject themselves to the horrible pain of one of his day long rants which will inevitably bring him to the topic of Mehmet Okur.
His campaign fundraising ability would be second to none as he could simultaneously hold multiple fundraising events at which he is scheduled to speak. His underlings would simple demand a set amount of donated money from each crowd for the right for "Screaming A" not to speak.
Attorney General - Jalen Rose
As the leagues top-ranked locker room lawyer Jalen Rose is highly qualified to be the attorney general in the Barkley regime. Having no problem being a jackass in even the most private and personal settings Jalen Rose would be wonderfully equipped to punish without mercy those who draw Barkley's ire. Varajeo flops during an important NBA game. Perjury. A buffet closes early when Barkley's in town. Attempted Murder. Alabama beats Auburn in anything. Indefinite detention in Guantanamo Bay for both coaches.
He wears bright colored ridiculous looking clothes which will help distract JoePa while Rose convinces him to declare it unconstitutional for Krispy Kreme to close.
Coming Next - Secretary of State, Secretary of Health and Human Services, Senate Majority Leader, Senate Minority Leader, Founding Father
