Secretary of State- Bobby Bowden
The Secretary of State is all about kissing ass and making people like you. Bowden could slap a recruit's mom across the face, and an hour later he would still be committing to Florida State. As Barkley's top representative to the Middle East and the rest of the world Bowden would be able to impress anyone with his down home country stylings and incoherent mumblings. The corrupt governments of the world could relate to a man who runs the world famous "Free Shoes University". SoS is all about relationships, and no one is better at becoming your best bud even when times are bad than Bowden (note: Bowden will still remain FSU's head coach in the same role he has now. None.)
Secretary of Health and Human Services-
The country's health leader must face the nations three biggest health crisis's, steroids/HGH, obesity, and Rosie O'Donnell. No one can do anything to stop the third, but Mr. McMahon is uniquely positioned to confront the others. As a first hand indicted supplier and apparent user of numerous illegal substances McMahon can understand the system better than anyone else, except Barry Bonds of course. When it comes to obesity McMahon likewise has experience from working with such stalwarts of industry as Vader and Rakishi, the later famous for his powerful butt thrust, the stink face. McMahon will likely not solve either of these problems, they will likely become worse, but this office is rather useless anyway. Its only really for padding resumes and getting teens to masturbate more.
Senate Majority Leader-
The Senate Majority Leader has 3 jobs:
1. Be very unlikable
2. Be corrupt and untrustworthy
3.Be adapt at running large groups of people who fall into category 1 and 2
If Erickson has proved anything with his leadership of the Miami program and his subsequent 1.26 million other jobs he has held since, its that beyond a shadow of a doubt he is the most qualified according to the above criteria. Hes got more slime on him than Paris Hilton's thong.
Senate Minority Leader-
Like the Senate Majority Leader, the Minority Leader must be very unlikeable, but he must also actually be halfway component in his job. The Minority Leader has to be smarter than the Majority Leader or else he will never become the most corrupt unlikeable politician in the country (every young party member's dream). Greg Popovich is accustomed to leading groups the people of this country do not want to watch, but despite that he has secured numerous important victories during his tenure as Tim Duncan's life partner (programming note: you probably don't get that joke b/c you didn't watch the finals, that's exactly what Popovich wants... or is it!?). As the Senate Minority Leader Greg Popovich will be in just the position he likes (insert Duncan and Pop gay joke here).
Founding Father-
For those of you not in the know, Bill Belichick is a super genius in every facet of everything, including Time Travel. You may not know that Bill Belichick is simple an Anagram from George Washington (you may be saying, "NO ITS NOT!", but that's only b/c your intelligence is so far beneath General Belichick). That's right, Bill Belichick is nothing more than a time travelling George Washington. Its obvious if you look at the evidence. Both dress incredibly poorly by modern standards. Both lead underdogs to victory versus powerful foes. Both were lived along the east coast. Both have wooden teeth. Bill Belichick saved our country from the British and travelled into the future to train our future President Brady to save our nation from the Chinese vs. Predator vs. RoboPerot vs. The Ultimate USA (The United States will reboot continuity in 2014). So next time your history teacher tells you George Washington is dead, start laughing really loud.
Secretary of Defense-
The Secretary of Defense's job is simply to pretend like he knows anything about real war, be the figure head for everything the US screws up, and to try to intimidate everyone else. Ray Lewis' only real combat experience is stabbing people in parking lots while being defended by his large posse. He knows all about being a figurehead as maybe the 4th best member of the Raven's defense. And, he does a mean dance of intimidation.
Note this video featured Ray Lewis minus truss and face paint.
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